i am an old anemone in your barrier reef
8:37 AM

私はなぜあなたのような多くを金か。 なぜか理由なぜ!!!!! i could not make myself put your name in my entry because the translator would not convert your name into kanji, only your partial middle name! talk about plastering "pathetic" on my forehead. did u by any chance drug me last time we met. from a self-confessed alpha female who has reckoned 19 years of expressing hardness on mushiness, sordidness on personal and semi-personal romantic flicks, and freakiness for existing like some recluse, this is really inducing some neurotic abnormalities that suppose to be programmed rigid (beyond others' usual happiness). do u have those chemical pheromones that's suppose to attract orgs like ants? u r so freaking communicable! a chronic ill that slowly rots my system. u r cancer, bringing out the fascist in me in a weird way. a chicken pox for my wretched existence. everytime i happen to see your form (which is sporadic (but nevertheless), like God's compensation for my unrequited efforts), reality becomes surreal, and every carbon-composed-oxygen-breather becomes an unfinished canvas of some Van gogh wannabee who decided to follow the methods of his demise before even wrapping his palettes for good; all are charcoal sketched but stroke fuzziness creeps their characters; all, all, except you. you who is so glaringly vivid before i even recognize i can actually see. when i go home, i muster poetic stupid lines in front of our hard banged stereo as if you're eons away from space and i had to talk to you before you get to be seeped by a black hole. i had to pace, give in to the bulls of my emotional cerebral cortex. i had to endure these flight of thoughts and what's hard is fighting against the flight, which may sound so stupid. i had to debate about the age difference, about the rationality of my irrationality, about the physical criteria that ur dermal immaturity requires (don't deny that). its not your fault you are not born righteous. my friends call me a stalker, i try to label myself human. i congratulated myself for following what i love, but then there are times i'd think, that the reciprocal of my givings, is way below the established kelvin for freezing. i have become miserly, slave to the thoughts of unrequited love, downgrading that reputation i hold for myself for someone who has just knocked at some specific frame in the passage of time. u r just supposed to remain in that order, not until i noticed that it will be too long, too long, from what my mental math can offer, too freaking long before i can see u. that, i cannot seem to bear. my anatomy starts to anabolize what is left of your catabolized image. an updraft of the underpinned. i had to look at you everyday. i had to know you. sometimes, i wonder what compels me to yield at your force field. for years, i am self-subsistent on mine. but with you, i feel so vulnerable. like part of me is in you and i had to see u to complete my own character fractures. because u r so mysterious. i have often felt that i don't belong to this world. that no one can fulfill answers for some things that i question. and too often i feel that even in the presence of the obvious, i am alone, stripped from the plastic socials people has to gamely engage. seeing u made me realize that its normal, its human, to be indifferent, to feel numb about things that don't matter when we age. i could not look at you because, i dont want your rejection. just leave me the benefit of the doubt. i don't care if you don't like me. i don't care if you are so obsessed with someone else who shares your fleeting interests. i am contented with the reality that maybe, your are an exception from what i could have. God has not made me feel this way before. this feeling. so different, so different, it freaks my notion of purgatory. i wanted to ambush and know you (now im becoming Nietzsche's disciple) there is something in you i could not explain that ultimately baffles me. i want to hold your hand and brush it against mine. i want to cling by your long arms even though you look like a goat. i want to pinch very hard your cheeks until they passionately sag. i want to smell you and your hair. i want to poke your thin back and extremities until they bruise ( do i sound like a sadist, conscience? yes!), and i wanted to spell the next hours of my 24/7 gazing at your eyes and your jaws and your hair and your back and your face. i really love every bit of what makes you, shapes you, and what you do. i like your watch, its so original it fits nothing else more perfect than someone like you. i like your sling bag. i like the way you walk, the way your arms seemed to dangle, and how you look like a japanese popstar from afar. i like the way how you move, how you try to kick a sepak ball, how you twitch your arms around your neck, how you arch your back when you feel the pain during practice. and i like the way how you fix your friendster, simple, manly, the songs Ive loved to listen, and now as of this typing, i have not really grew tired from hearing. why this has to happen to me, i dont know. of all, it has to be a minor. you are adored by all, which makes things more complicated and may i add, which makes me very unoriginal and appear like some stalker fan going after his idol. i hate to be labeled as such. but nevertheless, i dont care. i did not like you because you are so handsome.私は実際に実際に金好む!!! honto....