i am an old anemone in your barrier reef
8:37 AM

私はなぜあなたのような多くを金か。 なぜか理由なぜ!!!!! i could not make myself put your name in my entry because the translator would not convert your name into kanji, only your partial middle name! talk about plastering "pathetic" on my forehead. did u by any chance drug me last time we met. from a self-confessed alpha female who has reckoned 19 years of expressing hardness on mushiness, sordidness on personal and semi-personal romantic flicks, and freakiness for existing like some recluse, this is really inducing some neurotic abnormalities that suppose to be programmed rigid (beyond others' usual happiness). do u have those chemical pheromones that's suppose to attract orgs like ants? u r so freaking communicable! a chronic ill that slowly rots my system. u r cancer, bringing out the fascist in me in a weird way. a chicken pox for my wretched existence. everytime i happen to see your form (which is sporadic (but nevertheless), like God's compensation for my unrequited efforts), reality becomes surreal, and every carbon-composed-oxygen-breather becomes an unfinished canvas of some Van gogh wannabee who decided to follow the methods of his demise before even wrapping his palettes for good; all are charcoal sketched but stroke fuzziness creeps their characters; all, all, except you. you who is so glaringly vivid before i even recognize i can actually see. when i go home, i muster poetic stupid lines in front of our hard banged stereo as if you're eons away from space and i had to talk to you before you get to be seeped by a black hole. i had to pace, give in to the bulls of my emotional cerebral cortex. i had to endure these flight of thoughts and what's hard is fighting against the flight, which may sound so stupid. i had to debate about the age difference, about the rationality of my irrationality, about the physical criteria that ur dermal immaturity requires (don't deny that). its not your fault you are not born righteous. my friends call me a stalker, i try to label myself human. i congratulated myself for following what i love, but then there are times i'd think, that the reciprocal of my givings, is way below the established kelvin for freezing. i have become miserly, slave to the thoughts of unrequited love, downgrading that reputation i hold for myself for someone who has just knocked at some specific frame in the passage of time. u r just supposed to remain in that order, not until i noticed that it will be too long, too long, from what my mental math can offer, too freaking long before i can see u. that, i cannot seem to bear. my anatomy starts to anabolize what is left of your catabolized image. an updraft of the underpinned. i had to look at you everyday. i had to know you. sometimes, i wonder what compels me to yield at your force field. for years, i am self-subsistent on mine. but with you, i feel so vulnerable. like part of me is in you and i had to see u to complete my own character fractures. because u r so mysterious. i have often felt that i don't belong to this world. that no one can fulfill answers for some things that i question. and too often i feel that even in the presence of the obvious, i am alone, stripped from the plastic socials people has to gamely engage. seeing u made me realize that its normal, its human, to be indifferent, to feel numb about things that don't matter when we age. i could not look at you because, i dont want your rejection. just leave me the benefit of the doubt. i don't care if you don't like me. i don't care if you are so obsessed with someone else who shares your fleeting interests. i am contented with the reality that maybe, your are an exception from what i could have. God has not made me feel this way before. this feeling. so different, so different, it freaks my notion of purgatory. i wanted to ambush and know you (now im becoming Nietzsche's disciple) there is something in you i could not explain that ultimately baffles me. i want to hold your hand and brush it against mine. i want to cling by your long arms even though you look like a goat. i want to pinch very hard your cheeks until they passionately sag. i want to smell you and your hair. i want to poke your thin back and extremities until they bruise ( do i sound like a sadist, conscience? yes!), and i wanted to spell the next hours of my 24/7 gazing at your eyes and your jaws and your hair and your back and your face. i really love every bit of what makes you, shapes you, and what you do. i like your watch, its so original it fits nothing else more perfect than someone like you. i like your sling bag. i like the way you walk, the way your arms seemed to dangle, and how you look like a japanese popstar from afar. i like the way how you move, how you try to kick a sepak ball, how you twitch your arms around your neck, how you arch your back when you feel the pain during practice. and i like the way how you fix your friendster, simple, manly, the songs Ive loved to listen, and now as of this typing, i have not really grew tired from hearing. why this has to happen to me, i dont know. of all, it has to be a minor. you are adored by all, which makes things more complicated and may i add, which makes me very unoriginal and appear like some stalker fan going after his idol. i hate to be labeled as such. but nevertheless, i dont care. i did not like you because you are so handsome.私は実際に実際に金好む!!! honto....

Evaluation

My apologies for such an overly overdue opinion. I speak not just in behalf of the team I head, but for the people I meet along that merit these observations.

The Intramurals 2008 in totality was a remarkable improvement from last year’s proceedings. I appreciate the foresight of Saligan in managing the teams responsible for a number of committees. By management, we do not only mean group compression of their specific capacities, but more than this is effective communication relayed by their heading superiors. I see, that the supreme council has also extended their efforts to aggressive information dissemination (not that I am compelled to make a comparison) especially to those uninvolved in the major and minor events in the said event. They must have honored that intuition that unless they make a move to inform, the students will remain in their stereotyped assumptions. It is good that they added and maintained these progress boards. Unfortunate people who failed to witness the result announcements have been granted the privilege and convenience to refer to the teams they support and their current standings. These bulletin boards gave justice especially to minor games, who in my opinion, suffers lack of support from participating teams. The intellectual people in ST battling for word power may discount the idea of active encouraging (preferring an environment that is more languid to their taste). Nevertheless, active or languid support, as the case may be, defines a multifactorial sphere that influences ones performance on a good note. The likes of dart, chess, and table tennis aren't exemptions. I move for the supreme council to engage students to witness more of these equally exhilarating games. The people are much more obliged to the obviously visible and “cheerables". It's all about right advertisements.

I also appreciated the GACP’s heading of the attendance this year primarily because they heeded (for a major institutional event high risk for absences) a good majority’s clamor for the abolition of paper jog due to issues of uselessness and time constraint. However, the same issues that went perfectly unresolved yet have come to surface during the 5-6 day event. Checkers tasked to designated rooms left at most 5 minutes before the scheduled closing hour. Not that I am a lover for extending the extendable. Nonetheless, for students who were basking under the thought of fine redemption until the last minutes the organization has promised to save them, a good 5 minutes is crucial. I am speaking with reference to a lot of people who reportedly were disappointed about the early exit. The time I checked was accurate. And another thing, I do not know if this was already a previous issue from GACP’s evaluation last year, but it would be a privilege if departmental organization officers were given a package of little compensation. A cackle and an incongruous retort maybe unsurprising, dismissing the idea as absurd and out of the context of virtues, maybe even because this suggestion is not in every inch very scientific and people might resolve to ideas equating the real essence of service. However, I consider this a consolation for the efforts made. I am not keen to processing how this package works, but a lot of officers were fined because of failure of signing the attendance sheets because of fairly excusable reasons. More than the departmental officers, I believe the GACP should have a list of all the players of each department with their specific schedules of play. Automatically, these participants will be saved from signing their attendance. As a playing faction for example, it has been an arduous task to submit and resubmit schedules to the GACP for attendance clearance. I think this is also consolation for participating students. It is not I believe as what others would want to engage to believe, materializing the reciprocal of what they can give. Games at crucial schedules are not easy to abbreviate. They need all the time to prepare physically and mentally. The delegation for the formal cheerers for example paid an equal fine with those who failed to sign the attendance just because the attendance sheet was not passed by one of the officers accountable. It is cumbersome for some whose tasks are concentrated on trying to even out the details for a competition. I also appeal for pro-players package, by which participating individuals can get lesser fines at each attendance missed. Its all about consolation, about seeing these people sacrifice much even to the extent of academics (the prioritization mantra not always workable because by all means, we are only humans), and getting the lesser dues compared to other people. I would likened it to the best of my understanding on taxation, where tax cuts were offered to those who give much but in average, still remains inadequate, and no-tax cuts for those who can establish an equilibrium of what they spend and earn, maybe even securing a little more of something for future uses. The figurative counterpart translated to intramurals business in connection with the earlier statements is what I wanted to express. Departmental praise may be fleeting and trivial. At the end of the day, they look at class receipts with discontentment, carefully criticizing the balance of efforts made and grants reaped.

One of the things I also appreciated is that whenever there are protests and obvious delineations to the guidelines spelled, the Office of Student Affairs, really makes the effort to consult all the teams concerned and discuss appropriate consequences. I thought that this was the mature and formal proceeding of any civilian concerned, however in the latest gathering our departmental organization has attended in the name of our course, it was pretty insensitive for the organizers to place the least importance towards considering this unavoidable side of competition. Teams who clearly violate deserve to get the equal consequence depending on its gravity, or if it’s all-or-nothing, disqualification. The guides should not be distorted by any philosophical rationalizing of probabilities. It is what it is, just what an average person would understand.

The scheduling of the intramurals was organized, and the proceedings from registration, to sports-related jargon of issues, to announcement of winners, to protests were fairly successful. I agree that everybody appreciates punctuality and this was clearly actualized from Day 1 to Day 6 of the night events, as the case would normally be the opposite in the past. I looked at my watch everytime and I agree that 9 and not later than 9:30 pm should be the closing for any program delivered. The audience speaks for themselves in cases of disappointment. We were just taken aback from Saligan’s announcement to collect a 50 for the Hale concert. It was like a pro bono until they required in every clearance to pay the fee. I understand that it is not slyness that kept them thinking that with such a performing group, they can bullseye the minimum tolerance of audience turnout for the closing. I’d like to think the idea actually worked. Far from the Hale positive-gearing mayhem, are the feelings of participants who should deserve recognition and respect. This was their night. Last year’s awarding was just like a closing chapter from a publicized limelight, but this was different. As much as I’d hate to say it, but because of Hale, a lot recognized those worthy to be recognized. With them walking along the aisle waving whatever it is the teams they are in, people looking and cheering at them like Hercules, that perhaps is the best music a team head can hear for the night.

I myself learned a lot from the formalities at how the upper forms conduct parliamentary meetings and though I must admit, I chuckled at such formality, the benefits we reap from effective communication and careful recognition of opinions lead much to the establishment of solutions for issues that govern the event. I myself am planning to adopt a modifiable parliamentary approach for the organization next year. That a systematic approach at things and being extra attentive to the smallest of details can entail reaps of security. That one is never too old to learn about temperance, the one thing leadership books should not miss describing as unfortunate circumstances may favor unique reactions from people we meet. I learned a lot about people and how to appreciate even the smallest movement of their arms and how it pains them especially if team resources are inadequate to cure them. It is with these simplicities and complexities that I learned more to love others, more of myself and more and more of God.

Stories from My Community Health Nursing

Reflections

When I say I had my apprehensions in this new course, I didn’t mean to imply accepting wholeheartedly all my limitations and just stop there. I realized that spontaneous and sure circumstances are easy, but those challenging few are the ones that would shape your flexibility and creativity. I say challenging because more often than not, you will be walking side by side with failure, but being this extraordinary individual you know you can break lateral gravity. Before you know it, you will be that person who thinks and acts 100 paces from the others. I see community health nursing as a challenge because in the past I always had my fair share of demeaning moments. Beyond the lines of recognition, I cannot seem to satisfy my standard. It is either there is a glitch in this system I am adopting, or I am less confined to sacrifice and my own lines of discipline. I wanted redemption so bad I’ll do anything to change the way things are looking. I wanted to be vindicated not by familiarity but by the values that I practice, this dignity that I’ve always kept up, and the whole package of being excellent and outstanding. I will study, and if this is not enough, I’ll take its superlative. I’ll take and do the superlative of everything good so that I can be that person I once established. I will read and improve beyond books and lectures. I will practice until the time I see it perfect. I will accept criticisms, arrogance, and demeaning causes, but I will never accept that I am a failure and a weakling, because I never was, never am, and never will. All of us can do it, we just have to think we can.

The Day I said Hello to Alojepan, MD
If I say the quiz is okay, that’ll be pretending. For this matter, I’ll adopt the principle of Kaizen. Being better than yesterday, and tomorrow than today is the best motivating factor to seemingly almost everytime you see yourself washed by the currents of depression. I understood that it is much safer to anticipate even the unpredictable questions that’ll appear. This way, we will be confident that we will be getting what is due. They say illustrations can make retention effective. Still, illustrations are consolidated groups of ideas. If you wrongly perceive a structure to be part of a smaller junction, then think again. Another thing is, when you are confused on what to write because they sound so the same, then it just reflects that you had not gone the extra mile. Read, Distinguish, Read, Distignuish, Familiarize their distinction. Furthermore, items that would actually come as a breeze would have an alter-effect if you are not using your common sense or you did not listen to the lecture. So next time, I’ll make sure I’ll take their opposites. After our quiz, we went to the barangay. Inside, Dr. Ramon Alojepan’s office, we were grilled to death. Honestly, I really did prepare because I do not want to appear incognizant of everything. I have to maintain my composure. Since then, my preparation did not fail me. The fruits of which was my answers to Dr. Alojepan’s EPI questions, specifically the dose, site, and route of immunization. It was a sigh of relief and a beam of pride. Preparation can lead you to extra miles. The feeling of which is just great. If I can be consistently like this, I can achieve what I want. Preparation is the remedy to our anxieties brought about by unfamiliarity of circumstances. So, when you see it fit that its perfectly implanted in the recesses of you’re brain, confidence is not anymore a commodity.


The Day I had to Reflect the Way I Managed My Team
“Together we stand, divided we fall!”
Group dynamics is important in a playing field. Such a playing field like FCS-making reserves no exemptions when it comes to matters like this. Like any desirable trait one would expect in a decent person, it is equally universal. We cannot forevermore bank on the idea of cramming. We need to move, and somehow a good knowledge on management of resources is an asset. In FCS-making, our biggest opponent is time. What’s more is that we are not only after the completion of the requirement but the fulfillment of quality in our tasks. Furthermore, we also value the myriad of things we get along as we make our case, and hopefully it’ll be instruments towards our improvisation. We know that we can successfully hurdle this challenge when we work together, face problems and solve them all together, and feel for each other’s misfortunes. We know we can strengthen our weaknesses and fuse them to become our motivation. All it takes is unity, and to sustain unity, we maintain constant communication, follow-throughs, and good rapport. In opportunities like the library time, we always keep in mind to seriously take it as a chance for case development. Not merely to discuss, and plan, and do all verbose activities, but more importantly to accomplish something. That is why at the end of it, we had our evaluation to determine what extent did we already have accomplish. We make sure that each person has a task to do, and each person is well-supported on details not clearly known, We function like a domino. We need each other to keep the stacks standing. But that doesn’t mean that we are always dependent, in fact it’s just the right mix. We are independent when we personally pay attention to details in our task, yet dependent for we know without each other, the whole FCS will not merit a completion. A few more days then oral defense sets in. I personally hope that God will give us the strength, the will, and the wisdom to sustain this effect.

The Day I Reflected on our FAG (Family Assessment Guide)
As far as securing supportive details for our FAG, and further inquiry into our prioritization, I guess I can say that this day has been fairly successful. At first, we thought that this could be another case of uninterest, a desperate move towards an indirect no. However, my thoughts became placid after the mother herself assured her cooperation for tomorrow’s visit. We cannot take another casualty, and I am just so glad someone actually welcomes our barging in. We are forevermore grateful. But before that we lived by the notion of uninterest. I told the rest of the group that God is just testing us will all these misfortunes. We are not the ones unfortunate. We have a good case so the wait and the understanding is worth every anxiety we feel for the past week. After discovering that the mother’s appointment didn’t pushed through, a breeze of wind figuratively pass through the alleyways. I was so happy. Another thing that made me happy that day is that while some of us are conducting the interview, my groupmates carried the task of establishing a light atmosphere by playing children to feel child-like. Some proceeded with the carcass of house measurements and ocular evaluation of residence. One of my classmates took the time to get Aliyah from Mrs. Dela Cerna’s care, and volunteered to guard her. I was really happy that all of us contributed towards this interview, may it just be a few laughs or what. After our data gathering, I had a disappointment, and that would be my quiz. I admit, I wasn’t able to really delve into the other details of eclampsia reporting. But anyways, its okay. I will just improve next time maybe because I studied incomprehensively last night. That is why when we had our reporting that afternoon, I made an effort to intently listen just to write the correct notes and register the correct information for tomorrow’s debacle.

The Day of Defense
I was already feeling the jitters before we even stared our duty. I know I prepared but still, this creepy nervousness never settles until I already take my stand and start my talking. Somehow, I need to feel the pace so I wouldn’t be so ignorant of the proceedings. I really cared to do my part. I know the only way to handle criticism is to criticize yourself in retrospect. I half-know where my weak points are, and I really conditioned myself to defend each one of them, and also admit what is not defensible brought about by rawness. There is no style involved. No matter how you get so suave or metro, principally when you don’t hand in reasonable rationales you may find yourself submerged in a current you know you can overcome or so. I wasn’t able to defend my FNCP because time ran out and our clinical instructor dismissed us earlier. Tomorrow though, our clinical instructor plans to finish all our FNCPs and reading that is twice the load of what we will report. In lieu of this, I will also do my part in preparing for a battle by saving a lot of information and transforming and using these to break away from the bondage of anxiety. With preparation and planning, we get a step ahead of others.

My Paradise Escapade

I slept around 3 am 2 nights ago because i was chatting with a friend. Next early morning, my mother bugged the dreams out of me stating that i have gone more riotous these days, barring quality time opportunities with the rest of the family members. She wants me to go with them at some beach resort. I wouldn't want to. Its just that I would not want to go to Paradise, where SOME phony people breed and prey like "this-is-the-elitists-statement". Plus, the fee is way too overboard to have myself enjoyed, (at least i worry about the family's sake). Yes, this is the same paradise that each and everyone might have been accustomed to coming. We share the glory of how it became improved all these years and how the management has created uber amazing hardworking respectful staff. However my definition of a P100.00 entrance fee is more of "yipee, i can swim barefooted and not worry about injuring myself from what environmentalists call semi-dead corals", "i wasn't bitten by some baby sea creatures", "the black baby porcupine didn't prick the hell off my sole" and "thank God for sustainable long tides, i wouldn't worry about swimming in a “sealess” resort". Oh, i forgot, the sea actually returns by 3:00 pm, after a 5 hour hibernation. I wish the moon's placement is not too drawn over the samal island.
I hereby also encourage elementary institutions to come and see for themselves a great learning experience for their students making something out of the “sealess” resort. Perhaps, the management can further add in their "what you can do while you're here in samal" board, that from 10:00-3:00 pm, they can actually self-discover wonders from what is left in their sand, bring out their collection bottles and play either Mr. /Ms. nemo or that who laughs off seeing unique "masterpieces", taking them up and showing off like they have made a great discovery for their age group.
Others would see this as an opportunity to strengthen their budding love (be guilty lovers). Perhaps, the girl would say "hey look! a bunch of fingerlings swimming" and the dashing guy would retort in the spirit of budding love "wow! stay close, you might be bitten" (as if its some lurking piranha). Or that either of them pretends to be newly trained from walking, cunningly in an imbalanced fashion, the irregular placement and sizes of corals branded as the reason, but the real mask of action is hidden by a careless blush in the sun-tipped cheek. Funny. The top 5 sea creatures you will most likely sea will be: starfishes in all their greater glory, baby porcupines, assorted schools and colors of fingerlings (i would prefer "bolinao", lol), baby sea snakes, and duh, semi-dead corals.
Speaking about starfishes, my father, in his attempt to busy himself from the threat of nearing low tide, found a blue starfish. Because I do not concern my studies in biology, I am infact, a nursing student; I frantically said not to hold the starfish as it might be dangerously poisonous and maybe bite. A 7-9 year old kid heard me and saw the starfish that my father enjoyed looking at and replied obnoxiously (as a matter of factly) as if i'm the dummiest 18-year old alive that starfishes don't bite. Well then, okay. I can choose to shut up and wallow in self-pity. I chose to fight off as if i'm some 7-9 year old running to look for her mummy "why don't you try get it!". He went away as if hearing nothing. Ego back for an 18-year old like me. LOL (but pathetic, haha).
There were some Koreans that came that afternoon and it was timely that salvation shows no signs yet of appearing. Their kids apparently are VERY VERY VERY NOISY. As if really proud of something. One can perhaps hear exaltations of some Korean mantra, but to me its as if saying "we are the superior race".
The height of getting pissed that afternoon is the presence of a bunch of phonies who wore nothing short of "this is the elitists’ prostitution swimwear" together with their boyfriends. They were some teenage bunch who wanted to taste the prime of life by making fun of others who coincidentally just passed by their table. I swear if that happened to me, I will never back off from a punching streak. If they think they are the coolest people alive and that their bodies and beauty are to die for, isolate yourself in wishful thinking dude . As far as I'm concerned, you are just one of those who love to display the "displayable" but fall short in character substantiation. Life is not just about experiencing its prime. All the time its all about respect. You just painted your alma mater blacker.
Paradise actually sell buko at P 45.00 (as opposed to a measly 10.00 in the city proper). This is what the DA or DTI should also be looking into. Buko in samal may be a real prized fruit with fairly recognized impending extinction for the prize to soar absurdly high as this. What pained me is that I actually saw coconut trees nearby. I vocalized my concern of financial preservation to my father who seemed very "I-love-paradise-resort" mode. He replied that Paradise loaned much to develop the area. At least, this is the only way to keep their business alive. Gee, at least they could just have spared the buko.

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Fishy Helper

We have this small household problem. Three nights ago, while I am busy watching chopped movie episodes of Juno, my father propped me to remove my earphones immediately. By the look of his face, he could have passed as the texas chainsaw murderer sidekick. He had been out to talk to our neighbor about the growing strangeness of our helper. Apparently, it was confirmed that our helper brings our own cooked meals for her security guard boyfriend. The "fishiness" started when my father went out early morning for his routine jog. As he curbed around the corner of Venus Street, he saw our helper carrying a bowl of food. Upon seeing my father, she quickly hid it behind our back. Since my mother (seventh from Annabelle Rama) was with my father at that time, my father chose not to react. Then he said there was this second time my mother left a plateful of "lechon" (roasted pig) in the refrigerator. Morning came and my mother rechecked the lechon contents and found it diminished considerably. She asked our helper about the sudden decrease (confident that none of the immediate family members did it). Our helper replied "ambot lng, asa pa man diay nako na dalhon". There was something wrong about her reply. My detective conan instincts say that the last few words were unnecessary and that it preempted something. Mr. Bernales, our neighbor also attested that when my father leaves to drive us to school, her fellow-helper (that of my grandmother's) would say "wala na si kuya lit". Then when the 2 of them are here inside the house, they would use their native language to converse. My father (already partially paranoid) reasoned that if they were not hiding something, why is there a need to talk that way. He said that he will be firing her when my mother comes back from Marbel. He could not imagine if this matter went up a notch higher. If food becomes objects, and objects become money, this thing surely should be stopped. Demo, there is something that keeps me from firing our helper. The thing is, she has been with us for the longest time possible. If the average stay of a helper in our family is 5 months, she has stayed for more than a year. She has been with us when uncle and his family came back, when our lola suffered much from cancer till her death and wake, when our cousins did not have a helper and offered to do their laundry. She has been trusted by another grandmother during her trips to the farm, to where my other uncle worked and has even sent off this uncle to Saudi. I really really like her a lot. She is more than a helper for me. I really don't understand but there's something special in the way she works. I will never forget the time she sends us off to school or the time I vomited and cleaned it up. It’s not just "because-its-her-job" aspect. I could not talk to my parents about this. This is something feely, emotional, corny and apparently, they are not like that.

i updated my blog a little.  i ended up trying to figure out why my first entry is so far from where its supposed to be. i have already edited the html a gazillion times, still the same problem. now, im using this method and hopefully this prob will be over. i also edited my fastweb account. i wanted to find a scholarship as early as now, so i can process whatever it is the requirements needed. i cannot do this alone. and my parents seem so traditional in everything. i happen to view life as an octopus. hopefully, i'll succeed. 2 more years and i have to figure out what i'm really for.

Diary Entree (way back when I had >50 zits)

This is a tribute to my friend izy. During the whole Lapanday (a banana producing corporation at Mandug, Davao) internship, i learned a lot about life and how to make the most of it. She even let me borrowed some of her anime collections (w/c i think is the most obvious reason that propelled me to type all these). I had fun not just inside the lab, but in how my life has seemingly took a 180 degree turn. i am also mindful to the fact that she may never read this, for i think she has never surfed this blog yet. anyways, this is a real diary entry (who cares). i really wrote this from my notebook because way back then and until now i think, i am the type of person who never ceased to be amazed in keeping handwritten treasures.

May 3, 2005
Dear Diary,
Yesterday, our internship ended with a Japanese dinner. The 4 of us went to I LOVE SUSHI for an experience of chopsticks, eat all you can rice, dummplings, chicken lollipops and stir fried spicy noodles! Plus, a great sip of their new strawberry red iced tea! We ate our hearts towards independence day. We reminisced the times we shared during the 3-week company immersion. It was tiring yet fun - especially when you had to go to the coop kiosk to eat lunch. You have to haplessly endure a 30 minute walk (to and fro) from the research facility to the canteen. And speaking about road quality, it was GRAVELED GRAVELED GRAVELED, and the latter part of the way was full of squishy fruits. so we had to endure the squirts as well. and by the way we wore sandals (though i think that was only me)which increased the everyday suffering by 50-fold. For the whole 20 days, we surrendered ourselves fully to dishes of corned beef (because the other dishes weren't palatable at all, haha!). Our slogan: Corned beef yesterday,corned beef today, corned beef tomorrow. If there was a disease that specified an overconsumption of corned beef, we really are highly contagious and are suffering from severe complications. We had our powerpoint presentations from our UBER SIMPLE PH TESTING assignment which was witnessed by 2 managers and 2 supervisors. I was so nervous at that time that everytime I play teacher and point at important details (it was LCD), I saw my hand dramatically tremble. It was so embarassing. In the end, we earned the decision of the manager to use the certain surfactant. He played kindergarten teacher and said we had a very good presentation (personally, i think it was really nice, and the manager was nice also, so nice presentation+nice manager = thank you). He even clapped for it. I learned an important lesson from him; "science is not overnight. therefore, if the hypothesis will not work, then to conclude immediately that the experiment is a failure is a no no for every scientist." He was really kind right from the start of our internship down to the last day. He even introduced us to their boss. The internship in Lapanday garnered a special place in my heart. I will never forget:
1. Fushigi Yuugi nights (right after i arrive from the internship till 2 am)
2. Samurai x nights (at how i really wanted to be like Kenshin)
3. curses towards our blasted DDR, which by the way deprived me the luxury to watch those rented cds
4. the anxieties of being left by the carpool so i always make it a point to rise up at 5:45 am
5. the nice people in the lab (ate elna, ate irene, sir alex, sir chris, Mr. fabellar, mr. delos santos (izy's dad), mr. fabregar, sir toto, ate dizie, the statistics-guy, mr. bernard, at mae 1 &2, ate lenlen, ate matet,ate connie, ate joy of the insectary, and ate elsa)
6. the hatred i had for Mam Irene for underestimating my skills. There was a time she sarcastically told me if I was okay pouring the solution. I wanted to punch her face.
7. sleeping times and the fear that I might drool on the table i was sleeping. sometimes, i wake up discovering that i had my entire mouth opened the whole time. my saliva dried and my lips chapped.
8. the surprise visit of Mam Golvin (our i-am-here-now-to-check-if-you-have-been-productive representative). we were so happy because in the chem lab izy and i were really busy. i was doing centrifugation for sample bananas while izy was heating at the superoven i think. i don't know about dareen and ziggy but they were always busy at the plant pathology department.
9. kuya chris, for stupidly treating us like little kids.
the sayonara party of ate mae 1 &2. we ate chocolate cake and macaroni salad.
10. APPLE-BEAR bakery/eatery and its kawaii owners. we had to stop by because we need to go fetch izy's mom from work. and izy has such big eyes and strong conviction not to let this opportunity pass. we ate leche flan and spaghetti. The brother of Izy's crush was so nice, he gave what he was eating to the poor fellow.
11. our dinner escapade to KFC where we helped ourselves to their gravy. after which good news (read: we have stipend) yehey!
12. the peeping sun. izy's dad always prod izy to take a picture because it is a once in a lifetime exposure. the ever rebellious izy countered that she has already seen it 5 times.
13. my trips to Landbank for getting my 4 time high lost ATM card.
14. the cutest guy to ever set foot in Lapanday, the perkins elmer promoting guy who wore a deep olive green collared shirt inserted in black slacks. I think he's chinese. the whole chem lab sat dreamily eyeing him as he fixed his tie.
15.the charm of codenamed "banana-cow", a tagalog-speaking guy who has eyes only for his PC.
16. our visit to the insectary where we viewed bugs eating insects on infested squash
17. how much i'd like to die when we were forced/ made to fold thousands of filter papers
18. corned beef (enough said)
19. the comfort of staying all day in an airconditioned room.
20. the free lunch, free snacks, free carpool, and free shirt
21. the generosity of my comrades
22. the practice of korean alpabet and izy's help in providing me a resource.

everything sure is missing.... but im really glad i kept the memories safe...

Reviews (although more of emotional outburst)

GYABOOOOOO!!! Last night, I semi-finished watching Nodame Cantabile. I can't bring myself to urgently see the last parts. It will be like welcoming again "the drama goodbye syndrome". I don't feel like saying goodbye to the masochism and sex-appeal (now I'm hentai) of Shinichi Chiaki-sama yet (sniff.drool.sniff.drool). Nodame is a very good drama. My Japanese-drama inclination is not some sort of excuse to further an exaggeration. Cross my heart its really good! Romantics would however, label it as another example of chemical shortage. I always love looking at Chiaki-sama conduct. The seriousness his facial features would convey everytime he raises his baton is just to die for. He's may not be really outrightly as handsome as Takuya Kimura, kedo there is just something in him that makes people tick, including the students of Mamogakuen music academy and... MEEEEEEE (evil laugh). Everytime the orchestra starts to boom the performance hall, his jaw would tighten, his maxillary bones would seem tense and his eyes pierces 3 inches deep into your heart, altogether melts whatever ice is there left in your blood.. Beautiful and passionate. Chiaki-sama! The producers I should say rightfully selected the live action counterpart of the manga! I love the way Chiaka-sama conducts especially when he discerns erroneous tones in the oke. There was a time wherein a slide by slide comparison was made between Jean and shinichi chiaki during the 2nd stage of the conducting competition, I could have swam in my drools. One of the sweetest moments was when chiaka-sama (at long freaking last) hugged nodame in episode 11. It was just so sweet the way the camera tilted, gives you the creeps like you’ve also been hugged. What I don’t like about chiaki-sama is his “pridey” attitude; he never admits that he likes nodame. Its always nodame nodame nodame. Poor nodame (sniff sniff). Also, I partially also share the dislike to noda megumi because she really talks, acts, and looks like a mental retard. NODAME BAKA! What I love about her (which by the way overweighs 50% of my hatred) is that she is a genius pianist. She never realizes this though. For her piano is passion. No techniques, just be happy with the music you want to play. Mine-kun (kawaii ne!), self-confessed bestfriend of chiaki is always that ever passionate oke-member. I will never forget the time when a music student auditions to be the next concert master and mine-kun accepted him wholeheartedly despite the Oke’s concern for Kiyora (who is his love interest). Then he turned to Kiyora and said like “you go to Vienna and study. Do not worry about leaving this oke! Ganbatte as I will also do my best!" – and he hugged her hard. Mine kun!!!!!!!!! A lot of homos were also showed in this drama, but it was fun! Masumi chan wa is the best! “Masumi chan, chiaki-sama is in danger!” Like a renegade avenger he dashes off irrespective of any circumstances while screaming “chiaki-sama!!!!!!!!! The camera will always give the impression that his running speed is equivalent to how light travels from the sun! Minna- I will miss you all! Sakura-chan kawaii! My sister commented on your kawaii-voice. It sounds like a dwarf further squeezed to impending death. LOL! Who can forget the ecchi Strezemann whose Japanese is to die for. I will always be your reluctant student! LOL! Everyone is so lovable, even eto-sensei whose house was really homey. Thanks for the make-up help wife of eto-sensei. Speaking about that incident, I remembered when Nodame was practicing stravinsky’s petroushka, and the wife of eto-sensei found her going crazy drawing her fingers above her head and talking to herself. LOL! She even brought the lunch bowl and left it because she was so afraid of nodame! I just wonder though why the drama is called Nodame Cantabile when its more of Chiaki with Nodame on the supporting role. LOL! I love the way Nodame plays the piano and her philosophies about true enjoyment. I wanted to be also like her. Too bad I did not study piano. This year however, I wanted to learn its basics and by the end of the year I wanted to play Schubert and Stravinsky (wishful thinking). I highly recommend this drama! BRAVO!!!! Can't get enough of it. The manga is continuous, so should be the drama!

PS: When you're old and feel like for the time being its okay to be flaccid, rereading 9-year old personal diary entries or unadmittedly crappy 12-year old-Judie-Abbott fascination episode recalls feels really nostalgic. One good thing about childhood is that when you are really into something, you wouldn't let time immediately determine its half-life (read: you do everything to place it in history). Irrational, dubious mechanisms are always welcome.

Fill in the Blanks

People engage into things sometimes because society dictates that with that level of thinking, they rightfully belong to a certain niche. This gives them the avenue to exert their perceived superiority over what they judge as mediocre. This thinking completely underlines the current diaspora of students who, for the lack of financial means and the outlook of an even bleaker future marred by endless poverty, take on courses nothing short of borderline rudimentary, routinary, and low paid. In the hollow walls of our developing society, one cannot deny the mute discrimination people relay to understated occupations. While self-preservation may not be a crime, to become and think nothing short of an occupation-racist is more of a hundred-fold slap to the superficiality a lot of people have become.

My summer classes are about to start, leaving me a rough estimation of 10 more days to figure out myself and the things that i have to do. The past semester has not been very promising, and i continue to fear the impending humiliation it might cause me this incoming grade release. Listening to Remioromen's Konayuki has also not been that therapeutic. Its inducing yourself more to psychological suicide. While I would like to bask upon an assessment of what I have become in the
light of all these miseries, I couldn't bring myself to conclude that the fault lies greatly in my pathetic decision to break free from all this seriousness (just this once). Its like when you are working your ass, studying for a quiz, you feel tired and sleepy because
you get so engrossed with the idea of exhaustion even though its only partial of what you're feeling.
The impusle is so strong and in no time leads you to bed. Why can you easily sleep while reading/studying during school period yet during breaks, you don't. I begin to think that school books have
invisible pheromones that act as sedatives or that they themselves are inanimate nymphs who can read our thoughts and release sleep powders because they pity our exertion efforts . I want to lighten up and disarm myself of tasks. Sometimes, when I think about it, I learned that in life, it pays to exagerrate, to value and devalue some things.

If there is a factor in the disharmony in this family, it is partially because of me and the fruits of my irrational, "pridey" thinking. Maybe we just live up to our inherent balance scales. No matter how perfect we are, we are still flawed by the false virtues of our other perspective.

I would like to recommend "1 liter of Tears (Ichi rottoru no namida)" for those who appreciate dramas. Its japanese and its really really good. Even if you go to a lot of forums that debate on the best dramas, people would always give it a thumbs up. I will make a an appreciation entry next post. Highly recommended for those who complain a lot about life. ...Okay okay... the guy is cute. I knew it! Anyways, Heres the link: http://www.mysoju.com/1-litre-of-tears/

Developmental Milestones

Freud's Genital Stage: Opposites Attraction & Maturation?
During this stage, me and my friends in high school shriek over cute male species. We exchange stories of near encounters and sigh at the thought of how close was getting to the next level. We exchange looks when our crushes pass by us, recognize our existence for sometime that they need something, and play prince by picking up books we purposely drop. We rejoice over our crushes’ split-ups and deliver evil looks towards new flirty flings. Boisterous ones shut their mouths in response to anxiety when they suddenly knew they will be in the same class or group with their so called “dreamboys”. We get inspired by shallow Korean flicks of predictable plots involving stories between the rich and poor, ugly and not, thin and fat tandems. We thank the dictionary for the word “gentleman”. We make it an excuse towards our own evil plots to make them ours. Others, like me could not look straight at the boy’s eye becoming afraid he might see a blush.

Erikson's Identity vs. Role Confusion
Establishing an identity has not been very smooth for me. Other people do not understand the reasons I have laid before myself and have backed me up over the years. They will proceed to their augmented definition of education, brandishing the label of pseudointellectualism. Everytime obnoxious people imply these thoughts, I would just vehemently snicker. These people think highly of themselves and too much of this thinking highly can drown them unknowingly. I am also the type of person who really loves books. If I have ample time, I would always go to the library. But then here comes people telling me to rather live in the library. Unfortunately, it has caused me insults more than I can imagine. This is life they say. I just keep on telling myself to do always the things that I always love. I am unique in such ways that only I can discern what’s right and wrong for me to engage or disengage.

Piaget's Formal Operational: Angst Against my Nursing's mode of learning
It was in the start of high school when I was thought how to really think, and not merely remember. Deductive logic requires the ability to use a general principle to determine a specific outcome. It has been taught that the ultimate measure of education is when you are able to apply these concepts in a completely modified circumstance. If you can trace the pattern, discover the relations between the words and what does it imply, and of course have a background to the fundamental processes involved, then an answer is not far from recognition. Teachers teach you the basics how to cancel squares, permutate possibilities, or sublimate a chemical, but the only way for you to know that education has indeed occurred is not through what, when and where, but how and why. To understand the logic behind everything weighs over mindless remembrance of information insofar as it is more spontaneous and rooting.

Kohlberg's Obedience and Punishment Orientation
I see a lot of peers though young adults per se, but still exhibit an inclination towards obedience and punishment. It is comforting in a way that people’s actions are controlled in accordance to what is acceptable. However, it is equally rigid insofar as we zilch within our system rooms for self-expression. There is a tendency that passivity is enforced over some questionable ideals that may be “perfect, yielding, and labeling” in the forefront, but is actually unjustified and creates a stir of discrimination. It is rigid insofar as we are limited to express our own opinions of subject moralities and that we constrain ourselves to what has been established. The thing is, there is more to obedience and punishment. Some people would want to settle in what has been recognized for fear of tarnishing the qualifications of a high recognition. Inasmuch as this is wise, to justifiably meddle while we can in the hope of improvisation and not merely showing off still is wiser.

Hint! Hint! (Oct 25, 2007)

 Its almost impossible to shut yourself from a very tempting opportunity, to catalog yourself among the elite. To be elite, you have to live elite. To be elite, you have to semi-abandon the past thought of living black and white. You have to draw what is colorful among those who presumed that this is the way we become known for, recognized for, adored for, envied for. So does ones feeling of inferiority and insecurity. This is the reason why I don’t want to be zeroing myself to their presence. Its like I seldom get right. I have already lost the freedom to self-express. I am questioning if my actions deem appropriate to them, if I only utter them to satisfy myself or the other way around. Its hard to face these people really. You have to withhold the semi-shame of not being that learned, or that exposed to Americanization or other culture for that matter. Its hard to pretend that you know, so I don’t. I have to endure what is different and that is to be indifferent myself. I have to shut up and consume this insensitivity and just wallow in my own thoughts of being just who I am. There is no mistake of living without the carcass of enculturation. Even if I don’t go to those “hip churva”, its still no excuse. I have a different way of doing things, and living my life. We don’t need the externals, the accessories of “metrosexuality”. Prioritizing those essential needs is enough.

On being NOT killjoy (October 24, 2007)

No matter how hard we try to remain as true as possible, people snicker and prejudge us for something that is mistakably not us. I thought respect is directly proportional to being reasonably blunt, how come when I wanted to be so, I receive the downgrade treatment. There are those who love to immediately classify people to a certain criteria they deem inferior. For them, this is a feat worthy of achievement for it brings glory to their uniqueness, an added touch of grandness to their so-called life. How pathetic. They like to zilch within their beliefs their own baseless labels for living purposeful lives. Ultimately, people can’t really decide superiority by looking at the onset of a certain circumstance. Looking merely is not enough. We live by figuratives and somehow, we really cannot be completely understood from the words we speak. More importantly, we rationalize in-between languages and a complex web of unexplainable, and can-be-explained-but-complicated system of behaviour. We have to acknowledge our capacity to discern what will ultimately contribute to our individuality, and in knowing such principles do we fashion our being effective in delivering the right response.